i wish we could shoplift online
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If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza