I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French