“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.