My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
cat vs inanimate object
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home