Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
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I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Have a lovely day 😊
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
me, too, girl. me, too.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?