6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything