6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many