Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
You Might Also Like
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede