[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
based al yankovic
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*