[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
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wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”