date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
New Tinder profile.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.