Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
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Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
How about daylight saves us for once
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Thank you corporation very cool
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?