Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
wish me luck lads
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me