Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
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“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
This is a sub tweet
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
shit just got real
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!