I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
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*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
The glockness monster
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.