*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
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Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids