Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
reminder
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING