Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Breaking news:
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.