Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
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when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
just make the entire table out of coaster
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?