(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
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#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Okay me first
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.