Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland