We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
You Might Also Like
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea