My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
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Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Tremendous stuff
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Holy shit he’s back
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.