it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
thank god the sign was there
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?