My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]