me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
kids play hide and seek like
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
choose your fighter
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…