me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
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A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
So inspired right now.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.