Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I know
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof