Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Never ghost your hitman.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.