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Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
(Musicians.)
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.