Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A classic…
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs