Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
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Do one person every day that scares you.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Do not levitate over flowers
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”