if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
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Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.