Me as a therapist: omg same
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
The Birdles
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*