IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
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“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*