WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.