1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
*exercises sarcastically*
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
What do you hear?