I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
gm
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I didn’t come here to be called names
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.