Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.