My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.