*looks at you in batman voice*
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no