She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
inventing words: clothing
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Dishonest mechanic?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder