friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
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If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!