After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Hero horse inspires millions
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay