I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
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The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Social distancing in Australia:
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Mouse
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency