“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
we’re gonna need another temp
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.