“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
No laws when master is gone
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.