airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
You Might Also Like
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.