[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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I can also cook 😂
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*