Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
You Might Also Like
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
*mops up wine with cat*
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Straight people are cancelled
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵