her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
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I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit